Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
