I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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