I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
