I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
