A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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