You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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