I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
