I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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