I met the friendliest cop last night
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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