Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
