just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
