Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
