Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
