totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
