Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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