Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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