He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
