i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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