oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
