I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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