the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
