I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
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