R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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