The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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