omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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