I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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