so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
