Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I can't turn off my feet"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
