I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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