Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
