New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
