I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
