if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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