Will you blow on my dice?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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