chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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