someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
