Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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