you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
