I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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