when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
