If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize