I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
