god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
