So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize