My Higher Power is John Stamos
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
