Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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