I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
