Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
