Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize