I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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