you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Randomize
