so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
