I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize