Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
