I hate all girls vehemently.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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