Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
