You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
