my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
