I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
