why didn't you poke me back
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
