new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
