remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
