god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
