He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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