Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
