so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize